Triggers

There are things that set me off when I am talking to people. There are called triggers or things that cause a deep passionate reaction in me. I am a passionate person by nature and have always stood by my convictions. I have gotten into many a fight or disagreement with people because I have stood by what I believe. When is it time to act and when is it time to let things go? I am just learning that very thing.

Today I had been reading this really intense book called "Broken Image" and it brought up alot of pain in my life. There was a part of the book which was telling me that the reason that I have trouble in relationships is because I have problems with my mother. The problem was that she never picked me up enough and held me. I had always known that my mother had kept a distance between me and her. She had lost a daughter before me and this proved to keep her from becoming close to me. It wasn't my fault but I always felt a bit guilty and shamed for existing. I was never able to be myself because my mom and dad always wanted me to be someone else. I learned early on to surpress my feelings. I have had great moments of joy in my life but there are also these great moments of loneliness and hurt. This has been a trigger my whole life. I have been looking for a mother in every woman to accept me and for a father to accept me in every man. It hurt me because this trigger kept me suspended in these moments as a child where I had no idea how to develop healthy relationships as a child or an adult. My whole life has been a search for who I am in another person. The search stops today. I realized that this trigger needs to be disarmed. Isn't it funny how when you are trying to change, you meet those who want to keep you the same? They can't deal with this new person. They also don't want to deal with their own pain and rejection as well.

Now that all this stuff is coming to the surface, I am feeling vulnerable and the triggers seem to be going off for me emotionally. I was talking to a friend after I had read this book and had an epiphany when out came the triggers in things she said. I am a sensitive person as it is but now am super sensitive dealing with all of this. It wasn't her fault exactly but I am learning how to let these things heal in time. I am learning that Jesus knows me better then myself. He won't leave me vulnerable and He is willing to heal the hurts inside of me. The triggers may go off at times but they teach me about myself each time they go off. God wants me to learn healthy ways of getting through this stuff. There is in fact a learning and growth to all of this. It takes time.

We all have triggers and as I learn what sets me off, I can tell other people they are hurting me. I want to learn to not let triggers control me or overcome me. I know in time, these things will be just memories. I know in Jesus all things are possible. Today, all the triggers went off but tomorrow is a new day.